I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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