Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
