I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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