literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The Olympian is in my bed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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