I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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