Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
