mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
