Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
