i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
