Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
