i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
