There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
