I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
