I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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