apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
