Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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