Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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