if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
