Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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