I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
