the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
