Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
