The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
