i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
