Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
