i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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