I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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