My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
