Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i love accidental penises.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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