Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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