i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
