neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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