In the future we'll all be gay
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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