Only a mothe r could love this liver
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
