My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
