The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
