if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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