Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
