haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
