I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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