just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I die, sorry about rent.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
