If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
