420 ftw
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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