i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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