I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
