I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
