just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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