I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
