I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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