Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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