Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
