Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
