That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
