I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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