she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
