I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
