he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
