im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
