I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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