Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My bed smells like the plague
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
