I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
